There was this little shop in Sante Fe that John and I went into in 1999. It was a very small jewelry shop and had handmade Indian jewelry. We were in town for a Prosecutor's conference and it also happened to be our 20th Wedding Anniversary. We decided that we would buy rings for the occasion. We each picked out a ring and the shop keeper was so impressed that we had been married 20 years, that he also gave us a Navajo wedding vase. John's ring was called, The Eye of God, made my a Zuni Indian Artist named Amy Ming. Mine is a Lapis and fire opal one.

He wore that ring until the day he died, Dec. 19, 2006. When the funereal home returned his belongings to us, the ring was inside an envelope in a box. I was at his Mom Ora's house when I got the box. I looked at the ring and thought, "I should take that out", but I didn't. Later, Ora took the envelope out and kept it. Inside the envelope was also a Ruby ring given to John by his dad, with the intent that it would go to my sons, along with Eye of God ring. At some point, Ora said that she would keep the rings until it was the right time to give them to the boys. Not being one to cause a rift, I let it go. Just before Thanksgiving, the topic came up and I asked her if I could have them because she and Chris were planning on moving into an assisted living, and I was afraid if the rings were left in the house, they might get misplaced. She said, "oh, do I have those?" Then, she said she didn't know where they were.

Yesterday, I went over to her house to help her finish packing for their leaving today. I again asked if I could have the rings. She said she didn't know where they were, but she would look. She went to look, then came out and told me that Uncle Steve had taken the Ruby one, but knew that it was for my boys. Then she said, Chris had been wearing John's ring, but didn't know where it was now.

I just looked at her and didn't say anything. What could I say? I just left. I have tried to make amends by being kind to them. I have tried to take care of them as they have aged. I have tried to give back to them with acts of kindness. I feel very rejected and disappointed. I prayed that she would find it while she was looking for it. I prayed that it would be found and returned to me. It was not to be. Now, for the forgiveness piece. I really do believe that it is imperative that I forgive her from, first of all taking them, then losing them, then not being sorry about it.

I cannot allow my negative feelings to control me. I cannot allow this to pull me down. I then decided to be pro-active and I went on-line to see if I could find a replacement ring from the Artist. I will continue to look for one similar to it. It is all I can do, that is in my power and control. Other than that, I have to Let Go and Let God.

Feb 18, 2020: An update to this: I spent the next three years going to their house and visiting with Chris while Ora went to get her hair done. We’d watch cowboy shows or sports. I’d sit and knit, and he’d say a rare word or two. Other times, Ora and I would go out shopping. We’d spend time going over embroidery patterns, quilting ideas or just gossip. I made an effort to make peace with them and as I did, the chasm lessened. We were close again and I treasure those later moments we spent together.

As for the ring: on the day of Chris’ funeral, Ora greeted me at the church. We were in the viewing in the Relief Society Room. She slipped something into my hand. It was the ring. The Eye of God ring. She said as she was getting ready for the funeral, she opened the drawer in the bathroom and it rolled to the front of it. It was like it had help from the other side of the veil to make its way back to me.
We also got the red ruby ring back for the boys. I don’t remember how.

Forgiveness is golden. What’s loss will be returned. 

Missing the Singer of My Songs

The other night, I found myself at a rather large dinner table. There were 4 Elderly, Silver haired couples and me. It was very difficult to sit there listening to their chatter. Their history together, their inside jokes and jabs. When I was small, I sat at similar table, headed by my Grandparents. They were the stable column of our family. Sitting at Sunday Night's table, made me grieve over what is lost. I shall never have that history with my spouse, the longevity of marriage, inside jokes and jabs. Fond reminiscences of our shared lives. I grieve for the loss of what could have been. I had a spouse who was the Singer of my songs. He got me. We had inside jokes and jabs. We had a history of stories involving children and careers and religion. Topics that make up a lifetime of living together. Almost 30 years worth. He sang my songs, he sang to me his songs and together, we lived quite a harmonious life. It may have ended on a sour note, but that was just temporary. The symphony in general was sweet. I lost him too young. I miss his songs, I miss his melodies. I miss his rhythm. I miss him

Becky

chances to say goodbye

It's with sadness I post at this time. My friend was killed in a car accident yesterday. She was a passenger in a family auto, her husband driving. Her husband, Jens, is a dear friend of mine from when we were 16 in Provo. I re-connected with him when we moved to Nampa. I was sitting at a picnic table at a Ward Picnic, visiting with Kris Jensen. As we got acquainted , it became clear that her husband was the Jens that I used to know. Kris was thy sweetest, kindest person on earth. She was so good for Jens. He adored her and they were truly soul-mates. They had the kind of marriage that most of us just hope for. My heart goes out to Jens, as he is in ICU, so is their son Elijah. Noah is in fair condition.

In January, Jens and I had a conversation about me losing John. He stated that he could not conceive how hard it would be to lose Kris. He was at a loss for words at how it must feel to lose a spouse. He will now have to face this in his life. It is hard and I wish him comfort and peace as he heals not only his body, but his soul with out his dear companion Kris.

Chasing History while sorting "Stuff"

I have a colossal job of cleaning out my garage. I would really like to park my car in there before winter sets in. I don't like to scrape windows.

Most of it is admittedly my school stuff. Being a teacher for 20 years and changing schools, has added up to a huge pile of stuff. I wanted a less crowed classroom, so opted to set up a section of my garage for my stuff. Don't know how to describe it, other than stuff. It will be organized by months and themes with-in the months. It will be so much easer to access, and lesson planning can be done at home instead of after-hours at school when the janitor threatens to throw me out. I am actually excited about organizing my stuff. My mind churns with great ideas for the upcoming school year.

The other stuff, is the history of our family. Sadly, we had to sell our home in Nampa, and all the stuff has been shifted around for almost 5 years. I have slowly gone through it, but now I am down to the nitty gritty hard stuff. Anne has a pile of 6 tubs, but claims she doesn't have anything here. Steven's pile is less than that, mostly mission stuff and some old clothes. Kasen's stuff is from his room and is awaiting his return from his mission for him to sort through.

The hard stuff, is stuff that came from our much larger house. Memories contained in boxes. Hard stuff that I really don't want to face. Some are pleasant to sort through, others are harder to deal with. John's stuff shows up here and there and it is very hard to look at. I have to deal with it at some point. Perhaps some would say it is "therapeutic". I would say, I have had enough therapy for a lifetime, thanks. Move on. Chasing history, organizing piles of stuff so the next generation can have their turn at the memories of it all.

Road T rip Summer

Summer came and I decided to go on a road trip. This may not sound like a big deal to some, but I have been emotionally challenged for the past 5 years at least. This is my first solo road trip and I decided to go for broke. Literally. I left my house on June 29th and drove to Salt Lake City Utah. I stayed in a hotel a block from Temple Square. It was a Sunday Evening. I walked over to Temple Square and enjoyed that. I tried to find an open restaurant, which was nearly impossible on a Sunday in SLC. Finally, I went to the Blue Iguana, a mexican pub. I was able to meet up with Sally on Monday for breakfast and a lovely visit. I then drove to Provo to meet my dear friend Denise. She came up from AZ. We've been friends since 8th grade. We were able to visit for 2 days. It was very fun. We saw her mom, Mavis, 90. She is still doing hair. I also hiked part way up Rock Canyon to Little Kitchen, where Dan and I used to rappel. (that was another life) I then drove to Reno and spent a week with my sister Barb. We went to a concert along the Truckee River, Richie Havens, drove to Lake Tahoe for the 4th and did other touristy things during the week. Very relaxing a fun. Next leg of the journey was a night at home then a night at Mike's in McCall. Then the big drive to Montana. With a quick stop in Moscow to pick up Steven, we were on our way. We drove forever. Arrived in Missoula and then spent Sat. at a Farmer's market and sleeping. Fun. Meagan arrived at midnight and then the next day we drove forever again to a wedding on top of a mountain at a lookout. It was insane. We then drove back to Moscow, over Lolo Pass, 6 hours in the rain, with construction. We made it enjoyable by listening to Steven Ambrose's Undaunted Courage, a history of Lewis and Clark's journey. Very historical. We were so glad to get to Kooskie. We ate at a very sweet Cafe there. Then dropped Steven off in Moscow, driving another 2 hours to McCall. We were so exhausted by the time we got there. We spent the night, then went to my house the next day. I drove a total of 2788 miles in 15 days. It was fun, but a bit over the top for a first time outing in 5 years. Next time I will make it shorter.

Walking around the block

Sunday was the beginning of a new adventure in walking. Off and on during my 20's-40's I have walked miles and miles. A lot of times, I walked to get in shape, other times I walked to work off stress, either way, I always used the time to think. I am a solo walker. I don't really enjoy company on my walks because I have to keep up with them because I have shorter legs and stride than most. The thing I love most is the solitude time to think.

This week, I have walked 3 days, 2 miles each day. Yeah for me. I picked a route that has a hill, then a flat and then down the hill again. I try to leave before 8 so it's not so hot. It has been so cool and rainy this summer, so it's not necessary to get up at the crack of dawn, which I don't like to do.... I am not an early riser, unless it's a matter of life and death.

My goal this time for walking is to keep healthy both physically and mentally. My dad is 84 and walks everyday up Table Rock. He is amazing. My daughter panics about my health and fitness, so I am doing this for her too. I want to be around a long time for her and the boys.

So with that....it's a walk around the block.

Toasting to Dad

My two older brother's and I got a rare treat today. We got to hail a toast to our Dad on Father's Day. This may not sound so unusual, but for us, it was the first time in 28 years (at least) that we were able to be with our Dad in person on his day. We had a wonderful breakfast at the Trolley Station on Warm Springs, near his home. He looked fabulous, still has his charm and wit at age 84. Later, Mike, Dallas and I hiked up Table Rock and had a grand view of the Treasure Valley. It was cool and overcast, good for a hike. We sat on a rock at the top and watched a little lizard having a sunbath. He was very cute, trying to blend in.

I also went over to John's Dad's house and gave him a card and a brownie. He was happy to see me, he sits and fiddles with his stuff. Ora wasn't feeling well and had been asleep. Hug your loved ones whilst you can. They may not always be around.

Good day, good times with good people.

decluttering

My big brother Mike and his son Dallas helped me clear out my storage unit, thus saving $70 a month. Whoo hooo. That is a great feeling. I am now going to go through all the millions of boxes and declutter. I have decided to follow council and make my house a house of order. It may take me all summer, but I will prevail. My motivation is to get my car back into the garage by Sept. I really don't like to park in the driveway or scrape icy windows. Pretty good incentive I think.

Well, off to clear a few boxes. Declutter away!

A Garden Spot

My sister Barb helped me to create a new sitting area on my patio. We set up the furniture and planted flowers in pots. It is also flanked by a "real garden." 2 tomato plants, 4 red pepper plants, a row of carrots, a row of radishes. Marigolds and petunias around the border. Very pretty. The breeze comes through and kicks up the fragrances. A bar table with 2 stools, a rustic bench, A custom made seat and footstool cut from a log by Mike, and an umbrella that shades is all. It's like having another room!.

Now in the a.m. I can eat my breakfast and read the paper out there. I can water the plants and visit them in the evening to see if they need another drink of water. It is near heaven.

A garden spot just for me.

Spring breezes

My dear friend Shelley, turned up at work just as I was leaving for the day. I think she appeared as an angel, to sweep me away... to help me unwind and defrag after a highly emotional day.

We ended up on her back patio, sitting in the shade and sipped beverages and scarfed down chips. It was heavenly. I was able to vent out my emotions that I had pent up inside. Share frustrations about the teaching headaches concerning children, and the idiocy of some choices from administration. I had stood up for myself in a meeting, probably not in the most professional way, but alas, I never the less stated my feelings about not placing a student in a class for the next year. Tensions were high. Not a good scene.

On the way to Shelley's house, I had to mail a book to Denise. I paid for the transaction at the Post office with my debit card. I honestly could not remember my pin number. The gentleman was very patient and helped me out. I was very stressed and tired and proceeded to Shelley's. Angels attended me, the one dearest was in the flesh as she listened to my woes and frustrations. Dear friends are hard to beat. They show up when needed. Thanks Dear Shelley.

early morning entry or why in the world am I awake?

Wondering why I keep waking up in the wee hours of the a.m.  Not sure. Too much on my mind. Being alone in a house is hard. I sometimes just miss the everyday sounds of another person's movements. Don't take those sounds for granted. Just knowing someone else is in the house can be comforting. Hearing them open a door, rustle around in the bathroom, getting dressed, opening the fridge, getting a snack and leaving a mess. The sounds that are just there. It's quiet. very quiet. Sometimes when my kids were little, I would just want peace and quiet. I used to hear people say, oh no.... just enjoy them, they will be gone soon enough. I would just shudder and say, you're wrong. I now know what they were saying. I bought a huge 3 foot stuffed white polar bear who sits in my living room. He has personality and greets me each day as I come home, but, alas, he is quiet. 

All quiet is not bad though.... I do enjoy my solitude, especially after spending 8 or more hours at school in a lively room of 21 first graders. I cherish those quiet moments when I can sit on my couch, put up my feet and just enjoy the moments of silence. It's at the dawning of the day, the tucking in at night and other moments in the day that catch me by surprise that I realize I am really alone.

Cinco De Mayo

Cinco De Mayo

Trying to explain the term to First Graders is funny. I do have some Hispanics that get it. I celebrated by going out to dinner with my Secret Seven girlfriends. We had some sad news. One of our group (Dawn) has a brand new grandbaby that was diognosed with cistic fibrosis. Her little family is in my prayers.

I can't spell. Just get used to it. As Mark Twain once said "I feel sorry for the man that can only spell a word one way."

Feeling like at age 51 all my fat has migrated around my middle. Very uncomfortable. Guess it would help if I worked out and ate better. hmmmm. maybe. No one to impress.

personal revelation

"Enduring isn't always overcoming. Sometimes it is being crushed to powder with his name on our lips."
Stephen Peterson
Lesson learned in endurance. Last 5  years have been that crushing sensation, but in the process I have become well aquainted with my Savior. Through his mercy, grace and love, I have been able to find the peace I never thought possible.

Sitting in the temple yesterday, I had a revelation to my mind that helped clarify my thinking about John and his brother. I realized that amends can happen after death. I am working to make amends to him that need doing in order for me to progress. He also is making amends to me. I can feel them and I know when they are offered. It is up to me to accept them and forgive him. Such a hard process, but necessary.

Grateful to be apart of this great Gospel of Jesus Christ. No other name on earth matters. No one else can heal me or give me the peace I desire. 

My next challenge is find Mine errand of the Lord. What will he have me do. Find it and carry it out.

Pearls of great price

For my would be 30th wedding anniversary, I bought myself a pearl ring. I picked out a very unique setting and my son Steven affirmed it was the right one. Pearls have  several symbolic meanings: Pearl of great price; don't cast your pearls before swine; a symbol for peace, to name a few.

For me: I have had to battle back from depression and am healing from a very painful episode in my life. Losing my husband twice: once to his demons he drowned in addictions and then to his untimely death at age 52. We were married 26 years. So, the reason for the ring.  John bought me a ring on each of our milestone anniversaries. 5 years---a simple gold band, 10 years---a sapphire, 20 a lapis and opal inlay. It seemed natural to me that I should get a pearl on the 30th to carry on the tradition.

The Pearl of Peace is especially significant. I have had to do a lot of soul searching, forgiving, healing and mending my heart as to events to that scarred me and wounded my soul and spirit. Pearls of great price have healed me: scriptures, prayers, ARP meetings, friends, family, home teacher, writing, knitting.

I have found peace in My Savior. The ultimate gift of peace. The finest pearl. The Pearl of great price to me.

conference encouragment

Persecutions may rage, anger may spill out, nay sayers may mock, but the truth is undeniable to me. It is my life. The work is true and will go on.

Grateful for the prophet of God on the earth today brings joy to my soul.

Talks about those who feel so alone, those of the widow, touch me deeply. I am not alone. I do have a family, a church family, an eternal family.

Too many blessings to list today. Just grateful for them all.

Enduring isn't just overcoming. Sometimes it's being crushed and ground to powder--with His name on my lips.

(Stephen E. Robinson)

Why do I quote this? Too often, I have felt like this. When I do cry out for Him, He encircles me in his grace and love. So much to be grateful for now. For so long, I was in a tunnel of pitch-blackness. The tiny dot of light at the end began to grow bigger and closer. Finally, after a lot of hard work, prayer, studying and faith, I have emerged from that very dark place. I don't ever want to go back into that dark night. 

Keep the faith.

Mile High Milkshakes

There this place in town that makes the absolute thickest milkshakes known to mankind. I just had a butterfinger one. Truely, so thick that a spoon stands up in it and doesn't budge. Creamy? Yes. So rich that I have to order the junior size.

Well worth every delectable bite.

Fridays, popcorn, Legos and six year olds

Bliss. Pure Bliss.

Give a room full of six year olds some popcorn, some legos, some cars, some stencils-paper-and colored pencils, some pointers and TIME to actually play, and you have Bliss, Pure Bliss.

That's the best part of being a First Grade Teacher. Seeing those little ones play. No tests, no rapid reading, no phonics workpages, no pressure to hurry up, just play, play play. 

Wouldn't that be nice if all of us could do that? Just return to that safe place in a child's life when time and playing was all that mattered.

Hope. There is Hope in my heart when I see children at Play. Blissful Play.

Life is a quandary.

I am taking liberty to personalize a scripture for my crazy situation.

From Alma 53:4

I am building a breastwork of timbers around my heart, to an exceedindly great height.  

Some people cannot make a decision to save their life.  I am vulnerable and fragile. Not willing to get hurt or dragged into crazy drama....... 

Monday, Monday, hooray for Monday. A day off from work to reflect on history, and embarking on history in the making. MLK holiday today, Inauguration of Obama tomorrow. Watching the unfoldings on TV and listening to the commentators. Has anything really changed since 1968? 40 years later? Some things have, some have not. I, speaking for myself, was raised in a family that embraced diversity and free thinking. Serving others without judging them. I have been blessed to raise 3 wonderful children who think that way too. Each of them have or are serving a 2 year mission for their church. One speaks fluent Spanish and teaches in a school with a diverse population. I am optimistic about our future because of the children I have raised, their contribution to society and also the children I teach at school. It is a great and marvelous time to be alive.

Whew, been a whirlwind of activities this past month. I am sure that I am not alone in this world where things just seem to speed up. Christmas break was not exactly what I had planned for, but as the Good Lord knows, he can plan it better than I can. I had the opportunity to spend a week in a hospice with a good friend and his mother. She had brain cancer and died on Jan. 2. It was a very peaceful and spiritual journey for us. I am so grateful I could be there to participate in this experience. I learned a lot about myself and my own journey. I learned to love unconditionally. I learned to appreciate the Lord's timing. 

Back the reality on the 11th. Back to school filling those little first grade minds with sparkles. It was fun to be missed. They all hugged me and showed me where they had lost their teeth. Oh the simpleness of being 6. 

As for knitting. I finished my first sweeter, I did a baby size one to start out with. It is adorable.

Now, I am doing an afghan to match. Very relaxing and helping me tune into my own rhythm.