sappy movies? Why not

Sometimes I just sit on my comfy couch and watch sappy movies. Why? well, sometimes I have to evaporate into a blur of mindless drivel. I have been working on being comfortable alone at night. I won't lie, the dimming of the day is very difficult. It's when everything slows down. It's when it gets quiet and drowsy feeling. It's when I would like to snuggle with someone and not have to talk. It's when the business of the day is winding down and soon time to crawl between the sheets. It's quiet, I get used to the sounds of the house, but not quite used to not hearing the movements of another person getting ready for bed. Not used to having the quiet envelope me. The safest remedy, therefore, is to watch hours of nonsense. I love the well-meaning advice given such as "just give it time". Well, hell, yes...I do seem to have plenty of that.

Melting country vanilla frozen yogurt

An appetite is hard to satiate. I decided to stop at the Maverick on the way home and help myself to a little dish of their Country Vanilla Frozen Yogurt. It really didn't satisfy my appetite though. I have had a hard time finding things that taste good to me. I made rice-a-roni last night and after 2 bites, threw it out. I had lasagna for lunch and it wasn't good. Seems like food is such a bother lately.

I have an appetite for well-written books.

Steven gave me one to read called Assassination Vacation by Sarah Vowell. She has a unique style and I like it. I will read it in bed tonight. I got one of those funky e-readers. Mine is a Nook. I like it because I can make the print as large as I need it to see. Lately, my eyes don't track very well and it's hard to read. I don't do it nearly as much as I used to.

I have an appetite for learning about Gospel principals. I love to listen to talks from General Authorities and people who have a lot to share about their experiences. I like to soak in the Spirit as it confirms truth to my mind.

I love to go to my Family support group for recovering co-dependents. It is in the healing that I find peace.

I was able to share tonight about John. It's the first time I have cried in a meeting in a long, long time. I am able to grieve for him. Not all the losses I have had, but for missing him.

A talk by Spencer W. Kimball reminded me about the atonement and how after death there is no return to corruption. What wonderful words to read. John is at peace, he is free from his hauntings and doesn't have to fight them anymore. He doesn't have to self-medicate anymore. He is free from bondage. I miss him. I miss the nights when we were just us. Together. No noise or fanfare, just us. Quiet, holding hands or giving each other a look that needed no conversation to go with it. I miss his sense of humor, being able to make me laugh. Making light of a tense situation. I miss his wisdom. He could solve problems with a sense of ease. I miss his cooking. He loved to experiment with spices and was always making up something new. His favorite thing to do was to stand in the spice isle and figure our what would go together. I miss him playing the guitar and singing silly songs. He loved to make songs up. Fortunately, he liked to play around with an 8 track recorder so I have some of his songs recorded. I pop his CD into the player and he still sings to me. I like his voice. I always liked to talk to him on the phone. He had a great phone voice. He used to call me all the time from work, just to say hi. Several times a day. Not anything big, just hey, I was thinking about you.

I am able to feel those things about him again. Isn't it wonderful? Recovery has taken along time. It has been 3.3 years since he died. I am finally able to get past the hurt, and anger and focus on what I miss about him.

So, eating this melted yogurt has satisfied that part of my soul. I can write and put down on screen, what I haven't been able to feel in a very, very, very long, long, long time.