Miracles in the madness: Forgiveness and miracles.

One thing that I have learned this week is that Heavenly Father has allowed me to rant and rave and get angry and frustrated about life, then lovingly taught me and reminded me of my Savior Jesus Christ and his atonement. Forgiveness and miracles. I have been void of the Spirit in a lot of ways this summer. Returning home after a vacation, I was overwhelmed with emotions. It is very difficult to come home to an empty house. I was trying to deal with emotions ranging from Kasen's homecoming and return to school, Anne coming home and leaving for Kazachstan. Steven coming to live with me for the next school year. Overwhelmed with this, I was angry, frustrated and felt myself losing control. It was like revisiting my darkest moments in the last few years. I found myself mad at John again, for not being here and for putting me in this situation. I was desperately trying to arrange housing for Kasen at the U of I. Nothing was working. Many, many phone calls later, I was about at the end of my rope. I called my friend Cindy to see if I could borrow her printer. She was home and said, "sure, come on over." Her simple answer and invitation reversed the self destructive course I was on . I was able to get the housing situation resolved, and my foul mood was abating. She invited me to go to the Botanical Gardens in Boise, with Jill, Shelley and Luke. We spent a wonderful, relaxing evening listening to a Blues Band and enjoyed a calm, beautiful, perfect evening. It was a healing balm to me. When I got home, I turned on the TV and watched Joyce Meyers talk about avoiding using words in anger and in a displeasing way. It was just what I needed to hear. I went to bed and read an Ensign article and played quiet piano music. I was able to sleep and felt so much better in the morning. About 9 a.m. I got a phone call from a man named Dave Mixa. He wanted to talk to me about John's mission. I was confused at first and thought he meant Kasen John, because he was calling from California. He continued to talk to me about John and how John had been the missionary that converted him to the Gospel in Rochester New York in 1973. He said it was John's humor, and spirit that converted him. He felt impressed to find John and thank him for changing his life. He has been married for 31 years, has 5 daughters, all married to return missionaries. His brother and sister were baptized and to date over 50 members of his family are active LDS members. I was very emotional, but tried to maintain my composure while talking to him. We chatted for about 30 minutes, and I was able to share some highlights from John's life, such as his work as a Prosecutor and his love for his children. After the phone call, I cried for a long time off and on all day. It was just what I needed to hear. I have moments when I get mad at John and just remember the pain and sorrow and the bad stuff that happened. This was a message from my Savior about remembering the good John, the John that was real and healthy. The John that made a difference in a whole family, not just one man he taught in New York, but a whole family who are now eternally blessed because he taught him the Gospel of Jesus Christ. My heart was healed and mended, again, by the miracle the Savior provided me with. I was able to spend the afternoon with Ora, Dave had called her too, and we talked about our feelings all afternoon. You would think that was the end of the lesson to be learned, but it wasn't . Margie asked me to facilitate our ARP group last night. So I went to Nampa to do that. No one was there for the Family Support group. One sister came in about 15 minutes after the starting time. She was the only one there, but we had a meeting anyway. We read Step 2 about Hope. I shared my story with her, and she stopped me and said, "Wait, I remember you spoke in our ward one time about your story. You have no idea how your words has helped me over the last couple of years." I was blown away. She said how I had talked about pretending that everything was fine, and it wasn't. We were able to talk about her struggles, very similar to mine. I was able to talk to her about healing and miracles and share some things that have helped me. The Lord truly knows us. He loves us. He provides the miracle when we are ready to see, hear and feel it. I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father, his patience with me and is willingness to provide the healing I needed and the Hope to go on.