Thanfuls

I have lots of thankfuls this year. Kasen is home for the first time in two years, Steven is living with me this year while he student teaches, Anne is off on her own adventure in Kazahkstan. We are all well and healthy. We get to spend the day with my Dad in McCall where the snow is deep, temperatures cold, but the hearth and hearts are warm.
Thankful, also for a healthy attitude and outlook on life. I was able to lose 51 lbs and regain some energy and a healthier lifestyle. Living with less stress and being able to do my job at school has been an incredible blessing. Anne will join us for Christmas in a few weeks. This year will end happily and set up 2011 quite nicely. The best is yet to come!

The Burden of a Sigh

145 Prayer Is the Soul's Sincere Desire : 2 — Prayer is the burden of a sigh,
The falling of a tear,
The upward glancing of an eye
When none but God is near.
I was singing this song in Sacrament meeting recently. This particular verse spoke to me clearly, that when I am too tired or weak to pray formally, my sighs and tears have been acknowledged as prayers. How dear these penned words are to me. It is a miracle and blessing to know that my burdens have been carried by my Savior, that my sighs are less frequent and deep. My tears are now more tears of joy than sorrows. Yet, those tears are prayers as well. My Savior has held me closely, has caught my tears in his hands and has comforted me and given me the peace and serenity I so desperately needed. I give thanks to Him daily in both word and deed, sighs and tears.

Follow Me

A cook follows a recipe
An architect follows blueprints
A pharmacist follows prescriptions

To have a positive outcome, the meal will taste better, the building will stand and patients will get the correct medicines, if the directions are followed with exactness.

A disciple of Christ will follow him with exactness. Learn of him, follow him.

As I start a new school year, I need to lead with exactness. The students follow me in my directions and instructions. I can only give them what I know. I need to be the best that I can be to help each of them reach their potential. I pray for guidance and patience in this journey.

Follow me

Technomamma

Recently I have been accused of being a "first adopter". I got a Nook as soon as they came out. Then I got an IPAD. Now, after teaching 21 years. I am updating my skills to use a SMART board. I was even willing to change rooms for it, which is no easy task. My principal was happy I took the dive into tech world. So, happy me, off to clean and get ready for the new school year.

Revolving doors

Summer bliss is ending. I was so fortunate to have been with my Dad and brother all summer. One day, we got to have all 5 siblings and my Dad together. It's been ages since that happened. I left McCall the 29th of July, left the serene and peacefulness to come home to a revolving door. First to arrive home was Mad Man Steve, he will be living at home with me while he student teaches this year. It will be fabulous to have him home. He is so easy going, loves Football and likes to cook. He is such a great guy, I love hanging out with him. My dear, wonderful son, Kasen got home from his mission on August 3rd. He looks so happy and excited to be home. It was fabulous to hug him and really be with him. He had a great welcoming party. My terrific daughter got home on August 7th. She has wrapped up her teaching career in Las Vegas and now is headed for teaching overseas in an International school. We had a wonderful time as a little family for 5 days, then off she flew to Kazakhstan for 9 months. Kasen leaves tomorrow and I get to get ready for school to start. Steve will take Kasen up to Moscow and get him settled. I am so happy for all my kids. The are so wonderful. Each one is their own, unique person, yet they blend so well together. We had a marvelous time. It ended with Kasen and Steve giving Anne a blessing. As I sat there and listened, I could feel John in the circle. He was part of it all. He loved his children best of all. It is as it should be, letting go of grown children is hard, but they must go on to fulfill their lives with dreams and hopes and experiences that will enrich them and those they come to know. The revolving door has stopped whirling, and I am left to reflect and be grateful to have such incredible kids come in and leave apart of themselves in my heart forever.

Surrounded by Blessings

After spending a most wonderful summer with my Dad in McCall, I returned home and back to reality. I kind of had a mini- panic attack, feeling much better now that I am surrounded with my blessings known as Anne, Steven and Kasen. Greeting Kasen at the airport was fabulous. He is so handsome! His report and homecoming talk went well. The only glitch was a trip to the emergency room, but nothing life threatening, just a follow up with a surgeon tomorrow, but his abdomen is much better. Anne is always full of energy and fun! She is getting ready to fly to Kazakhstan in 2 days.. Steven has moved home to do his Student Teaching this year. Kasen leaves for Moscow on Friday.
Fall is full of changes. Am looking forward to new adventures.

Miracles in the madness: Forgiveness and miracles.

One thing that I have learned this week is that Heavenly Father has allowed me to rant and rave and get angry and frustrated about life, then lovingly taught me and reminded me of my Savior Jesus Christ and his atonement. Forgiveness and miracles. I have been void of the Spirit in a lot of ways this summer. Returning home after a vacation, I was overwhelmed with emotions. It is very difficult to come home to an empty house. I was trying to deal with emotions ranging from Kasen's homecoming and return to school, Anne coming home and leaving for Kazachstan. Steven coming to live with me for the next school year. Overwhelmed with this, I was angry, frustrated and felt myself losing control. It was like revisiting my darkest moments in the last few years. I found myself mad at John again, for not being here and for putting me in this situation. I was desperately trying to arrange housing for Kasen at the U of I. Nothing was working. Many, many phone calls later, I was about at the end of my rope. I called my friend Cindy to see if I could borrow her printer. She was home and said, "sure, come on over." Her simple answer and invitation reversed the self destructive course I was on . I was able to get the housing situation resolved, and my foul mood was abating. She invited me to go to the Botanical Gardens in Boise, with Jill, Shelley and Luke. We spent a wonderful, relaxing evening listening to a Blues Band and enjoyed a calm, beautiful, perfect evening. It was a healing balm to me. When I got home, I turned on the TV and watched Joyce Meyers talk about avoiding using words in anger and in a displeasing way. It was just what I needed to hear. I went to bed and read an Ensign article and played quiet piano music. I was able to sleep and felt so much better in the morning. About 9 a.m. I got a phone call from a man named Dave Mixa. He wanted to talk to me about John's mission. I was confused at first and thought he meant Kasen John, because he was calling from California. He continued to talk to me about John and how John had been the missionary that converted him to the Gospel in Rochester New York in 1973. He said it was John's humor, and spirit that converted him. He felt impressed to find John and thank him for changing his life. He has been married for 31 years, has 5 daughters, all married to return missionaries. His brother and sister were baptized and to date over 50 members of his family are active LDS members. I was very emotional, but tried to maintain my composure while talking to him. We chatted for about 30 minutes, and I was able to share some highlights from John's life, such as his work as a Prosecutor and his love for his children. After the phone call, I cried for a long time off and on all day. It was just what I needed to hear. I have moments when I get mad at John and just remember the pain and sorrow and the bad stuff that happened. This was a message from my Savior about remembering the good John, the John that was real and healthy. The John that made a difference in a whole family, not just one man he taught in New York, but a whole family who are now eternally blessed because he taught him the Gospel of Jesus Christ. My heart was healed and mended, again, by the miracle the Savior provided me with. I was able to spend the afternoon with Ora, Dave had called her too, and we talked about our feelings all afternoon. You would think that was the end of the lesson to be learned, but it wasn't . Margie asked me to facilitate our ARP group last night. So I went to Nampa to do that. No one was there for the Family Support group. One sister came in about 15 minutes after the starting time. She was the only one there, but we had a meeting anyway. We read Step 2 about Hope. I shared my story with her, and she stopped me and said, "Wait, I remember you spoke in our ward one time about your story. You have no idea how your words has helped me over the last couple of years." I was blown away. She said how I had talked about pretending that everything was fine, and it wasn't. We were able to talk about her struggles, very similar to mine. I was able to talk to her about healing and miracles and share some things that have helped me. The Lord truly knows us. He loves us. He provides the miracle when we are ready to see, hear and feel it. I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father, his patience with me and is willingness to provide the healing I needed and the Hope to go on.

McCall's Magic Moments

Don't bother to come to McCall until the 3rd week of June. You will get rained on, hailed on, sit inside and wait for moments of brief sunshine, and warm weather. It will be much too quiet for you. None of the weekenders are up here yet. The serious tourists wait til the 4 th of July. Stay home till then. I will gladly go on hikes in the park and around the Cove. I will pick all those wonderful morel mushrooms that pop out after the rainstorm. I will walk around town and not worry about getting run over. It will be just fine to go into a restaurant and right away and not have to wait forever for a table.
That being said, we've had a wonderful summer so far. We toasted to it at lunch today on the dock at the Mile High Marina. We watched the Scottish American games, visited with friends and then had dinner at Ice Cream Ally. Now that the flatland is heating up, our serene
Village will become lively for about 6 weeks. We wait till Labor Day when once again we have it the place all to ourselves.

lamblegs: the true story

I guess it's time to tell the story of how lamblegs came to be. I was newly married. I received a phone call from my in-laws inviting us over for dinner. I happily called John at work and relayed the message. I said, "we've been invited over to have lamblegs for dinner at your mom's."

Silence...then laughter. "lamblegs???. Do you mean leg of lamb?" Is there a difference? Just picture drumsticks from a chicken. As kids we want the drumstick, easy to eat. Next, picture a turkey leg, some fairs offer them up for a delightful feast. Next, lamblegs... getting the picture. One does not hock around a lambleg. In the sheep world and gourmet cook world, neither of which I knew about, say, "leg of lamb". Oh. Silly me. From then on, when I did something silly, or off the wall, or not quite right, John would say, "Oh lamblegs, you've done it again." I even had a personalized license plate bearing the endearment.

Cultured

Saturday night outing with Dad went very well. We were dressed up, went to Cafe de Paris downtown and had a divine dinner with Jim. Swapped stories about various things. Some pretty funny memories about Kathy. The time she got thrown out of Tennessee Williams house for showing up with his boy friend. The time she got a job working for Orson Wells because her friend was his receptionist and forgot to hire a person to do the lighting, in walked Kathy and her friend, oh here she is, it began a long relationship with him and other young, starving artists, dancers and such. She was rich, so whenever they went out, she paid, she always let people sleep on her floor or in her car. Once she was in a movie and got spanked by Clark Gable. If you didn't know Kathy, you wouldn't believe it. She had a charmed life is some ways.

After dinner, we went to the Philharmonic, I got to sit in Kathy's seat. It was hand-picked don't ya know. She had a fine ear for sound. The program had a mixture of ballet and symphony. It was delightful and wonderful. We had a grand time. I was introduced to some fine society folks. Pretty cultural night.

I tried for a whole summer to teach my cat to play the piano. We started with an easy song. It was Three Blind Mice.

My dad said it didn’t work because the cat had a tin ear. But I think it was because he kept looking around for the blind mice all the time and didn’t give it his full attention.

The Wedding Quilt 30 years later.

John and I received a hand-made quilt for our wedding. It was a beautiful blue with a star that took up most of it. My dear, sweat mother-in-law offered to save it for safe keeping til we had a proper home to put it in.

30 years later, I got the quilt. My dearly departed husband missed out on snuggling under it with me. Would that it was tattered with use, than brand new.

Ring on my finger

Eye of God, turquoise and coral adorned my husbands finger on our 20^th anniversary. When the funeral home delivered his effect 7 years later, my dear, sweet mother-in-law quietly took it for safe keeping. 3 years later, on the day of her husband’s funeral, she quietly slipped it into my hand. I guess she was done with it, or perhaps finally realized what it means to grieve a spouse.

Leaner days:

Chewing gum for breakfast. Washing up in the Shore Lodge bathroom dodging Mr. Edward’s glare. Climbing into Rick Millers cabin window for night’s shelter. Drive-through the Dead Steer to order a small coke. Can’t afford the hamburger to go with it. Park my pickup by the storage shed while I catch a nap on the couch.

For Richer or …

Opened 2 month’s worth of mail that piled up while I spent 2 months in Hawaii. Made a pile of bills, junk mail, outdated invitations, and oh did I mention the pile of checks on the table that was just pocket change now. 9 grand I think. Compound interest is now in my favor.

Yet, in a simpler time, my heart was full.

sappy movies? Why not

Sometimes I just sit on my comfy couch and watch sappy movies. Why? well, sometimes I have to evaporate into a blur of mindless drivel. I have been working on being comfortable alone at night. I won't lie, the dimming of the day is very difficult. It's when everything slows down. It's when it gets quiet and drowsy feeling. It's when I would like to snuggle with someone and not have to talk. It's when the business of the day is winding down and soon time to crawl between the sheets. It's quiet, I get used to the sounds of the house, but not quite used to not hearing the movements of another person getting ready for bed. Not used to having the quiet envelope me. The safest remedy, therefore, is to watch hours of nonsense. I love the well-meaning advice given such as "just give it time". Well, hell, yes...I do seem to have plenty of that.

Melting country vanilla frozen yogurt

An appetite is hard to satiate. I decided to stop at the Maverick on the way home and help myself to a little dish of their Country Vanilla Frozen Yogurt. It really didn't satisfy my appetite though. I have had a hard time finding things that taste good to me. I made rice-a-roni last night and after 2 bites, threw it out. I had lasagna for lunch and it wasn't good. Seems like food is such a bother lately.

I have an appetite for well-written books.

Steven gave me one to read called Assassination Vacation by Sarah Vowell. She has a unique style and I like it. I will read it in bed tonight. I got one of those funky e-readers. Mine is a Nook. I like it because I can make the print as large as I need it to see. Lately, my eyes don't track very well and it's hard to read. I don't do it nearly as much as I used to.

I have an appetite for learning about Gospel principals. I love to listen to talks from General Authorities and people who have a lot to share about their experiences. I like to soak in the Spirit as it confirms truth to my mind.

I love to go to my Family support group for recovering co-dependents. It is in the healing that I find peace.

I was able to share tonight about John. It's the first time I have cried in a meeting in a long, long time. I am able to grieve for him. Not all the losses I have had, but for missing him.

A talk by Spencer W. Kimball reminded me about the atonement and how after death there is no return to corruption. What wonderful words to read. John is at peace, he is free from his hauntings and doesn't have to fight them anymore. He doesn't have to self-medicate anymore. He is free from bondage. I miss him. I miss the nights when we were just us. Together. No noise or fanfare, just us. Quiet, holding hands or giving each other a look that needed no conversation to go with it. I miss his sense of humor, being able to make me laugh. Making light of a tense situation. I miss his wisdom. He could solve problems with a sense of ease. I miss his cooking. He loved to experiment with spices and was always making up something new. His favorite thing to do was to stand in the spice isle and figure our what would go together. I miss him playing the guitar and singing silly songs. He loved to make songs up. Fortunately, he liked to play around with an 8 track recorder so I have some of his songs recorded. I pop his CD into the player and he still sings to me. I like his voice. I always liked to talk to him on the phone. He had a great phone voice. He used to call me all the time from work, just to say hi. Several times a day. Not anything big, just hey, I was thinking about you.

I am able to feel those things about him again. Isn't it wonderful? Recovery has taken along time. It has been 3.3 years since he died. I am finally able to get past the hurt, and anger and focus on what I miss about him.

So, eating this melted yogurt has satisfied that part of my soul. I can write and put down on screen, what I haven't been able to feel in a very, very, very long, long, long time.

Trying to find the Joy

I recently was reminded that Man is that they might have Joy. Hmmmm. That one seems to have eluded me for some time. I forgot what joy was. I have been simply surviving and existing and making sure I didn't slip back into a depressive state of mind, that I forgot that I am suppose to have joy in my life.

That got me to thinking. What is joy? I found a quote today that really helped me get a picture of it in my head. I am very visual you know.

"Since the beginning of time, love has been the source of both the highest bliss and the heaviest burdens. At the heart of misery from the days of Adam until today, you will find the love of wrong things. And at the heart of joy, you will find the love of good things."And the greatest of all good things is God."

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Love of God," Ensign, Nov. 2009, 22

I broke it down to say: At the heart of misery, you will find the love of wrong things.

At the heart of joy, you will find the love of good things.

I simply have forgotten how to love good things. I was so busy worrying about not being miserable and thinking of things I don't like or what went wrong, I forgot to live in the now and love good things.

I got to thinking

what do I love?

That's harder to answer than one would think.

What do I love?

I love to watch movies, read well written books, knit, play games on the computer, sleep, drive alone to wonderful destinations. Go to church and feel the spirit, visit with good friends. Eat dinner that has been cooked for me. Served in a nice restaurant. Spend time with my dad, my kids, my siblings. I love to get my Friday night phone call from my brother Mike. It's become a ritual. I love to come home to a clean house after my housekeeper has come. It's worth every penny. I love Pepsi cola. Sometimes Cherry Pepsi. I love to look at my Grandmother's handwork, her afghans she made. Her fine workmanship, a legacy I try to recapture in my own handwork. I love to be alone in a quiet house when I have had a long day at work with noisy students. I love to read children's books.

I can always add to my list, this is certainly a good start.

I realize while making this list, that I do have joy, I love lots of good things. I have been very well blessed and watched over. I just needed to open my eyes and refocus on the joy. It's here, right at my fingertips. I just need to reach out to it.

It's the simple-things that bring me joy. Nothing grand or upscale, just simplicity.

So glad for the reminder. I do indeed have joy!

figuring it out, a layer at a time

Last week, I requested a Priesthood Blessing from my friend Jeff. I was feeling lonely for the Priesthood, since living alone, I am not always near it. I also was realizing I was in a transitional state of mind and needed some direction. He told me some wonderful things in the blessing. The two main things were: take better care of your body and health. Let your light shine and speak up for yourself and your beliefs. The last thing was: be there for your children as adults.

I immediately took the health challenge up and rejoined weight-watchers, and have done quite well this week. I began reading 2 books: You on a Diet, and Boundaries. Both are very helpful.

I came to realize, while reading Boundaries, that I have a character flaw involving lack of boundaries. I am known as a compliant. I comply to whatever is around me. People's moods, attitudes, ideas, thoughts, decisions. I become a chameleon and completely blend into the woodwork. I realized this about my marriage, I was completely invisable. When Barbara came to move me out of the house, she said there was nothing in that house that defined me.

In my next relationship, I did the exact same thing. I knew it at the time, but wasn't sure how to change or get out of it. I am anxious to keep reading to find out how I can change my thinking errors.

The layers are there, I just need to uncover them and keep healing. I attended my support group last night and Margie and I were able to discuss what I am learning about Boundaries and how hard it is to do, but I can do it. I am in a safe place. I have a house, job and support.

About my kids, they don't really know me as an adult. They know me as their mom growing up, They didn't even know what kind of music I liked, or movies, or books, because it was always about John. They will say things like, "I never knew that about you".

Went for a walk this morning, not long, just 15 minutes. I am still battling a cough. I also lifted some weights for a few minutes. Starting slow, getting healthier both physically and mentally. It will be a good year.