figuring it out, a layer at a time

Last week, I requested a Priesthood Blessing from my friend Jeff. I was feeling lonely for the Priesthood, since living alone, I am not always near it. I also was realizing I was in a transitional state of mind and needed some direction. He told me some wonderful things in the blessing. The two main things were: take better care of your body and health. Let your light shine and speak up for yourself and your beliefs. The last thing was: be there for your children as adults.

I immediately took the health challenge up and rejoined weight-watchers, and have done quite well this week. I began reading 2 books: You on a Diet, and Boundaries. Both are very helpful.

I came to realize, while reading Boundaries, that I have a character flaw involving lack of boundaries. I am known as a compliant. I comply to whatever is around me. People's moods, attitudes, ideas, thoughts, decisions. I become a chameleon and completely blend into the woodwork. I realized this about my marriage, I was completely invisable. When Barbara came to move me out of the house, she said there was nothing in that house that defined me.

In my next relationship, I did the exact same thing. I knew it at the time, but wasn't sure how to change or get out of it. I am anxious to keep reading to find out how I can change my thinking errors.

The layers are there, I just need to uncover them and keep healing. I attended my support group last night and Margie and I were able to discuss what I am learning about Boundaries and how hard it is to do, but I can do it. I am in a safe place. I have a house, job and support.

About my kids, they don't really know me as an adult. They know me as their mom growing up, They didn't even know what kind of music I liked, or movies, or books, because it was always about John. They will say things like, "I never knew that about you".

Went for a walk this morning, not long, just 15 minutes. I am still battling a cough. I also lifted some weights for a few minutes. Starting slow, getting healthier both physically and mentally. It will be a good year.