Cultured

Saturday night outing with Dad went very well. We were dressed up, went to Cafe de Paris downtown and had a divine dinner with Jim. Swapped stories about various things. Some pretty funny memories about Kathy. The time she got thrown out of Tennessee Williams house for showing up with his boy friend. The time she got a job working for Orson Wells because her friend was his receptionist and forgot to hire a person to do the lighting, in walked Kathy and her friend, oh here she is, it began a long relationship with him and other young, starving artists, dancers and such. She was rich, so whenever they went out, she paid, she always let people sleep on her floor or in her car. Once she was in a movie and got spanked by Clark Gable. If you didn't know Kathy, you wouldn't believe it. She had a charmed life is some ways.

After dinner, we went to the Philharmonic, I got to sit in Kathy's seat. It was hand-picked don't ya know. She had a fine ear for sound. The program had a mixture of ballet and symphony. It was delightful and wonderful. We had a grand time. I was introduced to some fine society folks. Pretty cultural night.

I tried for a whole summer to teach my cat to play the piano. We started with an easy song. It was Three Blind Mice.

My dad said it didn’t work because the cat had a tin ear. But I think it was because he kept looking around for the blind mice all the time and didn’t give it his full attention.

The Wedding Quilt 30 years later.

John and I received a hand-made quilt for our wedding. It was a beautiful blue with a star that took up most of it. My dear, sweat mother-in-law offered to save it for safe keeping til we had a proper home to put it in.

30 years later, I got the quilt. My dearly departed husband missed out on snuggling under it with me. Would that it was tattered with use, than brand new.

Ring on my finger

Eye of God, turquoise and coral adorned my husbands finger on our 20^th anniversary. When the funeral home delivered his effect 7 years later, my dear, sweet mother-in-law quietly took it for safe keeping. 3 years later, on the day of her husband’s funeral, she quietly slipped it into my hand. I guess she was done with it, or perhaps finally realized what it means to grieve a spouse.

Leaner days:

Chewing gum for breakfast. Washing up in the Shore Lodge bathroom dodging Mr. Edward’s glare. Climbing into Rick Millers cabin window for night’s shelter. Drive-through the Dead Steer to order a small coke. Can’t afford the hamburger to go with it. Park my pickup by the storage shed while I catch a nap on the couch.

For Richer or …

Opened 2 month’s worth of mail that piled up while I spent 2 months in Hawaii. Made a pile of bills, junk mail, outdated invitations, and oh did I mention the pile of checks on the table that was just pocket change now. 9 grand I think. Compound interest is now in my favor.

Yet, in a simpler time, my heart was full.

sappy movies? Why not

Sometimes I just sit on my comfy couch and watch sappy movies. Why? well, sometimes I have to evaporate into a blur of mindless drivel. I have been working on being comfortable alone at night. I won't lie, the dimming of the day is very difficult. It's when everything slows down. It's when it gets quiet and drowsy feeling. It's when I would like to snuggle with someone and not have to talk. It's when the business of the day is winding down and soon time to crawl between the sheets. It's quiet, I get used to the sounds of the house, but not quite used to not hearing the movements of another person getting ready for bed. Not used to having the quiet envelope me. The safest remedy, therefore, is to watch hours of nonsense. I love the well-meaning advice given such as "just give it time". Well, hell, yes...I do seem to have plenty of that.

Melting country vanilla frozen yogurt

An appetite is hard to satiate. I decided to stop at the Maverick on the way home and help myself to a little dish of their Country Vanilla Frozen Yogurt. It really didn't satisfy my appetite though. I have had a hard time finding things that taste good to me. I made rice-a-roni last night and after 2 bites, threw it out. I had lasagna for lunch and it wasn't good. Seems like food is such a bother lately.

I have an appetite for well-written books.

Steven gave me one to read called Assassination Vacation by Sarah Vowell. She has a unique style and I like it. I will read it in bed tonight. I got one of those funky e-readers. Mine is a Nook. I like it because I can make the print as large as I need it to see. Lately, my eyes don't track very well and it's hard to read. I don't do it nearly as much as I used to.

I have an appetite for learning about Gospel principals. I love to listen to talks from General Authorities and people who have a lot to share about their experiences. I like to soak in the Spirit as it confirms truth to my mind.

I love to go to my Family support group for recovering co-dependents. It is in the healing that I find peace.

I was able to share tonight about John. It's the first time I have cried in a meeting in a long, long time. I am able to grieve for him. Not all the losses I have had, but for missing him.

A talk by Spencer W. Kimball reminded me about the atonement and how after death there is no return to corruption. What wonderful words to read. John is at peace, he is free from his hauntings and doesn't have to fight them anymore. He doesn't have to self-medicate anymore. He is free from bondage. I miss him. I miss the nights when we were just us. Together. No noise or fanfare, just us. Quiet, holding hands or giving each other a look that needed no conversation to go with it. I miss his sense of humor, being able to make me laugh. Making light of a tense situation. I miss his wisdom. He could solve problems with a sense of ease. I miss his cooking. He loved to experiment with spices and was always making up something new. His favorite thing to do was to stand in the spice isle and figure our what would go together. I miss him playing the guitar and singing silly songs. He loved to make songs up. Fortunately, he liked to play around with an 8 track recorder so I have some of his songs recorded. I pop his CD into the player and he still sings to me. I like his voice. I always liked to talk to him on the phone. He had a great phone voice. He used to call me all the time from work, just to say hi. Several times a day. Not anything big, just hey, I was thinking about you.

I am able to feel those things about him again. Isn't it wonderful? Recovery has taken along time. It has been 3.3 years since he died. I am finally able to get past the hurt, and anger and focus on what I miss about him.

So, eating this melted yogurt has satisfied that part of my soul. I can write and put down on screen, what I haven't been able to feel in a very, very, very long, long, long time.

Trying to find the Joy

I recently was reminded that Man is that they might have Joy. Hmmmm. That one seems to have eluded me for some time. I forgot what joy was. I have been simply surviving and existing and making sure I didn't slip back into a depressive state of mind, that I forgot that I am suppose to have joy in my life.

That got me to thinking. What is joy? I found a quote today that really helped me get a picture of it in my head. I am very visual you know.

"Since the beginning of time, love has been the source of both the highest bliss and the heaviest burdens. At the heart of misery from the days of Adam until today, you will find the love of wrong things. And at the heart of joy, you will find the love of good things."And the greatest of all good things is God."

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Love of God," Ensign, Nov. 2009, 22

I broke it down to say: At the heart of misery, you will find the love of wrong things.

At the heart of joy, you will find the love of good things.

I simply have forgotten how to love good things. I was so busy worrying about not being miserable and thinking of things I don't like or what went wrong, I forgot to live in the now and love good things.

I got to thinking

what do I love?

That's harder to answer than one would think.

What do I love?

I love to watch movies, read well written books, knit, play games on the computer, sleep, drive alone to wonderful destinations. Go to church and feel the spirit, visit with good friends. Eat dinner that has been cooked for me. Served in a nice restaurant. Spend time with my dad, my kids, my siblings. I love to get my Friday night phone call from my brother Mike. It's become a ritual. I love to come home to a clean house after my housekeeper has come. It's worth every penny. I love Pepsi cola. Sometimes Cherry Pepsi. I love to look at my Grandmother's handwork, her afghans she made. Her fine workmanship, a legacy I try to recapture in my own handwork. I love to be alone in a quiet house when I have had a long day at work with noisy students. I love to read children's books.

I can always add to my list, this is certainly a good start.

I realize while making this list, that I do have joy, I love lots of good things. I have been very well blessed and watched over. I just needed to open my eyes and refocus on the joy. It's here, right at my fingertips. I just need to reach out to it.

It's the simple-things that bring me joy. Nothing grand or upscale, just simplicity.

So glad for the reminder. I do indeed have joy!

figuring it out, a layer at a time

Last week, I requested a Priesthood Blessing from my friend Jeff. I was feeling lonely for the Priesthood, since living alone, I am not always near it. I also was realizing I was in a transitional state of mind and needed some direction. He told me some wonderful things in the blessing. The two main things were: take better care of your body and health. Let your light shine and speak up for yourself and your beliefs. The last thing was: be there for your children as adults.

I immediately took the health challenge up and rejoined weight-watchers, and have done quite well this week. I began reading 2 books: You on a Diet, and Boundaries. Both are very helpful.

I came to realize, while reading Boundaries, that I have a character flaw involving lack of boundaries. I am known as a compliant. I comply to whatever is around me. People's moods, attitudes, ideas, thoughts, decisions. I become a chameleon and completely blend into the woodwork. I realized this about my marriage, I was completely invisable. When Barbara came to move me out of the house, she said there was nothing in that house that defined me.

In my next relationship, I did the exact same thing. I knew it at the time, but wasn't sure how to change or get out of it. I am anxious to keep reading to find out how I can change my thinking errors.

The layers are there, I just need to uncover them and keep healing. I attended my support group last night and Margie and I were able to discuss what I am learning about Boundaries and how hard it is to do, but I can do it. I am in a safe place. I have a house, job and support.

About my kids, they don't really know me as an adult. They know me as their mom growing up, They didn't even know what kind of music I liked, or movies, or books, because it was always about John. They will say things like, "I never knew that about you".

Went for a walk this morning, not long, just 15 minutes. I am still battling a cough. I also lifted some weights for a few minutes. Starting slow, getting healthier both physically and mentally. It will be a good year.

There was this little shop in Sante Fe that John and I went into in 1999. It was a very small jewelry shop and had handmade Indian jewelry. We were in town for a Prosecutor's conference and it also happened to be our 20th Wedding Anniversary. We decided that we would buy rings for the occasion. We each picked out a ring and the shop keeper was so impressed that we had been married 20 years, that he also gave us a Navajo wedding vase. John's ring was called, The Eye of God, made my a Zuni Indian Artist named Amy Ming. Mine is a Lapis and fire opal one.

He wore that ring until the day he died, Dec. 19, 2006. When the funereal home returned his belongings to us, the ring was inside an envelope in a box. I was at his Mom Ora's house when I got the box. I looked at the ring and thought, "I should take that out", but I didn't. Later, Ora took the envelope out and kept it. Inside the envelope was also a Ruby ring given to John by his dad, with the intent that it would go to my sons, along with Eye of God ring. At some point, Ora said that she would keep the rings until it was the right time to give them to the boys. Not being one to cause a rift, I let it go. Just before Thanksgiving, the topic came up and I asked her if I could have them because she and Chris were planning on moving into an assisted living, and I was afraid if the rings were left in the house, they might get misplaced. She said, "oh, do I have those?" Then, she said she didn't know where they were.

Yesterday, I went over to her house to help her finish packing for their leaving today. I again asked if I could have the rings. She said she didn't know where they were, but she would look. She went to look, then came out and told me that Uncle Steve had taken the Ruby one, but knew that it was for my boys. Then she said, Chris had been wearing John's ring, but didn't know where it was now.

I just looked at her and didn't say anything. What could I say? I just left. I have tried to make amends by being kind to them. I have tried to take care of them as they have aged. I have tried to give back to them with acts of kindness. I feel very rejected and disappointed. I prayed that she would find it while she was looking for it. I prayed that it would be found and returned to me. It was not to be. Now, for the forgiveness piece. I really do believe that it is imperative that I forgive her from, first of all taking them, then losing them, then not being sorry about it.

I cannot allow my negative feelings to control me. I cannot allow this to pull me down. I then decided to be pro-active and I went on-line to see if I could find a replacement ring from the Artist. I will continue to look for one similar to it. It is all I can do, that is in my power and control. Other than that, I have to Let Go and Let God.

Feb 18, 2020: An update to this: I spent the next three years going to their house and visiting with Chris while Ora went to get her hair done. We’d watch cowboy shows or sports. I’d sit and knit, and he’d say a rare word or two. Other times, Ora and I would go out shopping. We’d spend time going over embroidery patterns, quilting ideas or just gossip. I made an effort to make peace with them and as I did, the chasm lessened. We were close again and I treasure those later moments we spent together.

As for the ring: on the day of Chris’ funeral, Ora greeted me at the church. We were in the viewing in the Relief Society Room. She slipped something into my hand. It was the ring. The Eye of God ring. She said as she was getting ready for the funeral, she opened the drawer in the bathroom and it rolled to the front of it. It was like it had help from the other side of the veil to make its way back to me.
We also got the red ruby ring back for the boys. I don’t remember how.

Forgiveness is golden. What’s loss will be returned.