figuring it out, a layer at a time

Last week, I requested a Priesthood Blessing from my friend Jeff. I was feeling lonely for the Priesthood, since living alone, I am not always near it. I also was realizing I was in a transitional state of mind and needed some direction. He told me some wonderful things in the blessing. The two main things were: take better care of your body and health. Let your light shine and speak up for yourself and your beliefs. The last thing was: be there for your children as adults.

I immediately took the health challenge up and rejoined weight-watchers, and have done quite well this week. I began reading 2 books: You on a Diet, and Boundaries. Both are very helpful.

I came to realize, while reading Boundaries, that I have a character flaw involving lack of boundaries. I am known as a compliant. I comply to whatever is around me. People's moods, attitudes, ideas, thoughts, decisions. I become a chameleon and completely blend into the woodwork. I realized this about my marriage, I was completely invisable. When Barbara came to move me out of the house, she said there was nothing in that house that defined me.

In my next relationship, I did the exact same thing. I knew it at the time, but wasn't sure how to change or get out of it. I am anxious to keep reading to find out how I can change my thinking errors.

The layers are there, I just need to uncover them and keep healing. I attended my support group last night and Margie and I were able to discuss what I am learning about Boundaries and how hard it is to do, but I can do it. I am in a safe place. I have a house, job and support.

About my kids, they don't really know me as an adult. They know me as their mom growing up, They didn't even know what kind of music I liked, or movies, or books, because it was always about John. They will say things like, "I never knew that about you".

Went for a walk this morning, not long, just 15 minutes. I am still battling a cough. I also lifted some weights for a few minutes. Starting slow, getting healthier both physically and mentally. It will be a good year.

There was this little shop in Sante Fe that John and I went into in 1999. It was a very small jewelry shop and had handmade Indian jewelry. We were in town for a Prosecutor's conference and it also happened to be our 20th Wedding Anniversary. We decided that we would buy rings for the occasion. We each picked out a ring and the shop keeper was so impressed that we had been married 20 years, that he also gave us a Navajo wedding vase. John's ring was called, The Eye of God, made my a Zuni Indian Artist named Amy Ming. Mine is a Lapis and fire opal one.

He wore that ring until the day he died, Dec. 19, 2006. When the funereal home returned his belongings to us, the ring was inside an envelope in a box. I was at his Mom Ora's house when I got the box. I looked at the ring and thought, "I should take that out", but I didn't. Later, Ora took the envelope out and kept it. Inside the envelope was also a Ruby ring given to John by his dad, with the intent that it would go to my sons, along with Eye of God ring. At some point, Ora said that she would keep the rings until it was the right time to give them to the boys. Not being one to cause a rift, I let it go. Just before Thanksgiving, the topic came up and I asked her if I could have them because she and Chris were planning on moving into an assisted living, and I was afraid if the rings were left in the house, they might get misplaced. She said, "oh, do I have those?" Then, she said she didn't know where they were.

Yesterday, I went over to her house to help her finish packing for their leaving today. I again asked if I could have the rings. She said she didn't know where they were, but she would look. She went to look, then came out and told me that Uncle Steve had taken the Ruby one, but knew that it was for my boys. Then she said, Chris had been wearing John's ring, but didn't know where it was now.

I just looked at her and didn't say anything. What could I say? I just left. I have tried to make amends by being kind to them. I have tried to take care of them as they have aged. I have tried to give back to them with acts of kindness. I feel very rejected and disappointed. I prayed that she would find it while she was looking for it. I prayed that it would be found and returned to me. It was not to be. Now, for the forgiveness piece. I really do believe that it is imperative that I forgive her from, first of all taking them, then losing them, then not being sorry about it.

I cannot allow my negative feelings to control me. I cannot allow this to pull me down. I then decided to be pro-active and I went on-line to see if I could find a replacement ring from the Artist. I will continue to look for one similar to it. It is all I can do, that is in my power and control. Other than that, I have to Let Go and Let God.

Feb 18, 2020: An update to this: I spent the next three years going to their house and visiting with Chris while Ora went to get her hair done. We’d watch cowboy shows or sports. I’d sit and knit, and he’d say a rare word or two. Other times, Ora and I would go out shopping. We’d spend time going over embroidery patterns, quilting ideas or just gossip. I made an effort to make peace with them and as I did, the chasm lessened. We were close again and I treasure those later moments we spent together.

As for the ring: on the day of Chris’ funeral, Ora greeted me at the church. We were in the viewing in the Relief Society Room. She slipped something into my hand. It was the ring. The Eye of God ring. She said as she was getting ready for the funeral, she opened the drawer in the bathroom and it rolled to the front of it. It was like it had help from the other side of the veil to make its way back to me.
We also got the red ruby ring back for the boys. I don’t remember how.

Forgiveness is golden. What’s loss will be returned. 

Missing the Singer of My Songs

The other night, I found myself at a rather large dinner table. There were 4 Elderly, Silver haired couples and me. It was very difficult to sit there listening to their chatter. Their history together, their inside jokes and jabs. When I was small, I sat at similar table, headed by my Grandparents. They were the stable column of our family. Sitting at Sunday Night's table, made me grieve over what is lost. I shall never have that history with my spouse, the longevity of marriage, inside jokes and jabs. Fond reminiscences of our shared lives. I grieve for the loss of what could have been. I had a spouse who was the Singer of my songs. He got me. We had inside jokes and jabs. We had a history of stories involving children and careers and religion. Topics that make up a lifetime of living together. Almost 30 years worth. He sang my songs, he sang to me his songs and together, we lived quite a harmonious life. It may have ended on a sour note, but that was just temporary. The symphony in general was sweet. I lost him too young. I miss his songs, I miss his melodies. I miss his rhythm. I miss him

Becky

chances to say goodbye

It's with sadness I post at this time. My friend was killed in a car accident yesterday. She was a passenger in a family auto, her husband driving. Her husband, Jens, is a dear friend of mine from when we were 16 in Provo. I re-connected with him when we moved to Nampa. I was sitting at a picnic table at a Ward Picnic, visiting with Kris Jensen. As we got acquainted , it became clear that her husband was the Jens that I used to know. Kris was thy sweetest, kindest person on earth. She was so good for Jens. He adored her and they were truly soul-mates. They had the kind of marriage that most of us just hope for. My heart goes out to Jens, as he is in ICU, so is their son Elijah. Noah is in fair condition.

In January, Jens and I had a conversation about me losing John. He stated that he could not conceive how hard it would be to lose Kris. He was at a loss for words at how it must feel to lose a spouse. He will now have to face this in his life. It is hard and I wish him comfort and peace as he heals not only his body, but his soul with out his dear companion Kris.

Chasing History while sorting "Stuff"

I have a colossal job of cleaning out my garage. I would really like to park my car in there before winter sets in. I don't like to scrape windows.

Most of it is admittedly my school stuff. Being a teacher for 20 years and changing schools, has added up to a huge pile of stuff. I wanted a less crowed classroom, so opted to set up a section of my garage for my stuff. Don't know how to describe it, other than stuff. It will be organized by months and themes with-in the months. It will be so much easer to access, and lesson planning can be done at home instead of after-hours at school when the janitor threatens to throw me out. I am actually excited about organizing my stuff. My mind churns with great ideas for the upcoming school year.

The other stuff, is the history of our family. Sadly, we had to sell our home in Nampa, and all the stuff has been shifted around for almost 5 years. I have slowly gone through it, but now I am down to the nitty gritty hard stuff. Anne has a pile of 6 tubs, but claims she doesn't have anything here. Steven's pile is less than that, mostly mission stuff and some old clothes. Kasen's stuff is from his room and is awaiting his return from his mission for him to sort through.

The hard stuff, is stuff that came from our much larger house. Memories contained in boxes. Hard stuff that I really don't want to face. Some are pleasant to sort through, others are harder to deal with. John's stuff shows up here and there and it is very hard to look at. I have to deal with it at some point. Perhaps some would say it is "therapeutic". I would say, I have had enough therapy for a lifetime, thanks. Move on. Chasing history, organizing piles of stuff so the next generation can have their turn at the memories of it all.

Road T rip Summer

Summer came and I decided to go on a road trip. This may not sound like a big deal to some, but I have been emotionally challenged for the past 5 years at least. This is my first solo road trip and I decided to go for broke. Literally. I left my house on June 29th and drove to Salt Lake City Utah. I stayed in a hotel a block from Temple Square. It was a Sunday Evening. I walked over to Temple Square and enjoyed that. I tried to find an open restaurant, which was nearly impossible on a Sunday in SLC. Finally, I went to the Blue Iguana, a mexican pub. I was able to meet up with Sally on Monday for breakfast and a lovely visit. I then drove to Provo to meet my dear friend Denise. She came up from AZ. We've been friends since 8th grade. We were able to visit for 2 days. It was very fun. We saw her mom, Mavis, 90. She is still doing hair. I also hiked part way up Rock Canyon to Little Kitchen, where Dan and I used to rappel. (that was another life) I then drove to Reno and spent a week with my sister Barb. We went to a concert along the Truckee River, Richie Havens, drove to Lake Tahoe for the 4th and did other touristy things during the week. Very relaxing a fun. Next leg of the journey was a night at home then a night at Mike's in McCall. Then the big drive to Montana. With a quick stop in Moscow to pick up Steven, we were on our way. We drove forever. Arrived in Missoula and then spent Sat. at a Farmer's market and sleeping. Fun. Meagan arrived at midnight and then the next day we drove forever again to a wedding on top of a mountain at a lookout. It was insane. We then drove back to Moscow, over Lolo Pass, 6 hours in the rain, with construction. We made it enjoyable by listening to Steven Ambrose's Undaunted Courage, a history of Lewis and Clark's journey. Very historical. We were so glad to get to Kooskie. We ate at a very sweet Cafe there. Then dropped Steven off in Moscow, driving another 2 hours to McCall. We were so exhausted by the time we got there. We spent the night, then went to my house the next day. I drove a total of 2788 miles in 15 days. It was fun, but a bit over the top for a first time outing in 5 years. Next time I will make it shorter.

Walking around the block

Sunday was the beginning of a new adventure in walking. Off and on during my 20's-40's I have walked miles and miles. A lot of times, I walked to get in shape, other times I walked to work off stress, either way, I always used the time to think. I am a solo walker. I don't really enjoy company on my walks because I have to keep up with them because I have shorter legs and stride than most. The thing I love most is the solitude time to think.

This week, I have walked 3 days, 2 miles each day. Yeah for me. I picked a route that has a hill, then a flat and then down the hill again. I try to leave before 8 so it's not so hot. It has been so cool and rainy this summer, so it's not necessary to get up at the crack of dawn, which I don't like to do.... I am not an early riser, unless it's a matter of life and death.

My goal this time for walking is to keep healthy both physically and mentally. My dad is 84 and walks everyday up Table Rock. He is amazing. My daughter panics about my health and fitness, so I am doing this for her too. I want to be around a long time for her and the boys.

So with that....it's a walk around the block.